Our grudging congratulations go out in typical British style to Dave and Angela Hawes of Wisbech, who just dropped a cool £101 million on the National Lottery.
In a spirit of desperate camaraderie well known to the couple’s friends and rellies, we’d now like to offer Chelsea fan and former club steward Dave a bit of simpering advice, in the hope that he might recognise our efforts and put a couple of hundred thou behind the bar down the Turk’s Head.
Firstly, Dave, don’t spend your money on two Fernando Torreses.
Second, always tick the box marked ‘no publicity’.
When my dad used to do the football pools back in the ‘70s, ticking the box always provided us with a warm glow of solace when his scientifically certain ‘Millionaire Maker’ perm plan, together with Mum’s lucky pin, consistently came up short of a ‘divvie’ on the ‘Treble Chance’.
Back in the day, doing the pools was a bit like surviving on the Titanic. Men did it by skill, women and children by luck.
We never did get a chance to Spend! Spend! Spend! To turn down the chance of a luxury box, like Dave, who wants to “stand with the real fans and watch my team play”, and “live near the ground and have Frank Lampard come over for a cup of tea.”
But then neither were we pestered for life by beggars, forgotten great uncles, long-lost schoolfriends, modern footballer neighbours and arsey nostalgic football writers.